Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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