whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
