if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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