My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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