I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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