woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
