i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
