I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Randomize
