I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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