I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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