god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
