You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
