Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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