i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
