so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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