and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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