I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
