literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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