My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
