Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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