I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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