He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
