there's paper in my vomit.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
