Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
