sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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