so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
