She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
