I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
