OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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