LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Can I color on your dick again?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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