i think my mom watched the whole time
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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