On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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