No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
