um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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