I wish my penis had an off switch
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
