I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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