So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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