Where did you get a picture of my penis
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
