a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you will always have a special place in my vag
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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