it wasn't lemon gatorade
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
