dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
