A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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