If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
