haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He did a backflip because drugs
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