Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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