Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize