Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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