i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize