If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
