I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
