Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I party with great urgency now.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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