Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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