y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
