I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize