Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
