i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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