textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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