I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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