I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
