hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
