How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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